Now We Are Being Funny!

Julie: For many years, Dad said he was going to bury you with your stacks of newspapers. Now that they are not around anymore, maybe we should bury everything else with you. Isn't that what the Egyptians did? Ha, Ha.


Shawn: The newspapers are gone? How is Mom going to keep warm? I guess I could loan her a sleeping bag. Now the pharaoh didn't even have a nice sleeping bag to travel with. What were they thinking back then? He was probably so cold that he was huddled up and shivering as he left the cold dark interior of the pyramid and walked off to the afterlife, and that is why he couldn't carry the food that they left him. What a waste.


Myrna: There isn't a grave big enough. It would take a pyramid.


Eric: I want the top soil from the grave of stuff for my garden and yard. E.

Melanie Comments

I've never really thought about this subject. I would hope that the love that we have for each other would help us to divide up the personal belongings. We love our parents...not their things. I would think if someone wanted the slides, photographs, your poem journals, paintings or whatever, they would allow us to take copies, make prints, etc. We would know that we could borrow things, talk about things and enjoy the stories that come from the items. 
 
Mel


Myrna: Some families handle it well and others do not. I think Dad's family handled it well but, as you know, my one sister did not. It probably pays to talk about things in advance and then everyone knows what is what. Grandma T had a plan and everyone followed it. I have so many things that I just don't know. I am certain you will all want something from Dad. You know, we all hope we will live for many years but, in my experience, just about the time you get to feeling that way (that someone will be here longer); bam! someone has moved into the next world.

Kirsten Comments

Why don't you and dad come up with a list of items?  Then we can all openly discuss.  

Like I said, I think the furniture (piano, curio, table, etc.) might be something to discuss, as will the guns, fishing poles, work benches, poetry journals (originals can definitely be made into copies) and family history documents.  But I also think most of the family history things should be passed down like in days of old to oldest boy/girl... with copies for the rest of us.  

I think it would be wise to list it out and just see.  I'm sure there are things I haven't mentioned that others would love to include (like Grandpa T's old mining shovel and stuff like that), or your artwork, or the dolls and old pottery... your old newspaper journals, yearbooks, all books...

What does everyone else think?  I'm sure Ams would have suggestions on how she normally advises families to take care of this...

You and dad should do a "walk through."  Walk through the house and see...  Start room by room.  I think it will take a great deal of time, but think how much easier Grandma T's estate was to divide because she had dotted almost every i and crossed almost every t, down to her figurines...

I agree, Melanie.  The things I cherish most are not really things...  they're memories!  When it comes to dividing... I just want copies... copies of dad's slides from his mission, copies of birth certificates... copies of pictures from those old family photo albums... copies of your recipes, poetry.  I think we can all reconcile with each other... I think dad and the boys should work out the guns thing though...  we don't need one; no one here knows how to use one. :)

What other "things" do people want that would cause issues?  I think most of us have a piano... now if you would have kept your old water bed, I might have had to fight for that one... (hehehe)  Grandma's curio, etc.  I wouldn't know how to divide those items or who is most sentimentally attached to them.   I hope we each saw how giving you and dad both were upon your parents' deaths and learned how to also be charitable.  It is the people we will miss the most and the items, however wonderful they are, cannot replace the person.

Kirsten

Myrna: OK, the plan is that I make a list. It is back to my ballpark? How about if, when many of you are here, you help make a list? I'll start and then you fill in. See, I wouldn't have thought about the fishing poles. 

Shawn Trauntvein Comments

I know that I appreciate even small things, even things that others might think could have been DI’d or so forth. Grandchildren too often like something that they know was their grandparents. I remember going though Grandma Smith’s button cans and admiring the buttons when I was a child. I also got a pen that had belonged to Grandpa Trauntvein so many years ago, but now that I am older I regret that I asked Grandma for it at that time, and that I wasn’t more considerate of her feelings and needs following the funeral. I feel now as though I had ransacked her house (somewhat akin to plundering an archeological site), since she obviously was more closely connected with him than was I. I became ashamed of that as I grew older, although I never thought of it when talking with her, or I would have asked for her forgiveness. That is one of the many things I will still want to ask her forgiveness of if I am able to see her when I pass from this life. But returning to the subject, though I haven’t figured out what I did with the pen when I went on my mission, I still remember it (maybe it is in with my jamboree souvenirs, I’ll have to look). I know that recently I got something that was considered by someone else as nearly worthless, and was bound for the DI or trash. And, as embarrassing as it is to admit, I know that Melanie sent me a check for my birthday once, which I forgot to cash for too long. But I carried it around in my wallet for years as a reminder of how thoughtful she was. I have kept some things that David gave me for a birthday when I was in college many years ago. I have other things that others of you have given us, so the list goes on. Of course, my children would have no idea why I hang on to a plastic cup with pictures of antique automobiles on the side. There is often a longing in each of us for those things, physical or otherwise, that tie us to those whom we love.

But the physical things are perishable, and will be exhausted as the number of descendents multiply over the years. Although I want to know that things that remain will be well taken care of where at all possible (remembering it may be slightly out of our control as I learned from an elderly brother from our ward whose home was damaged by the Teton flood so many years ago), it is the pictures and stories that we can pass down to an unlimited amount of our descendents. So copies of these are always so vital. I think of Mom and her longing for anything, any picture of, or and tidbit that belonged to her mother who died when she was but an infant. Maybe that is one reason she didn’t ever want us to lose buttons from the button can, because she knew some might have belonged to her mother. Perhaps she even knew which ones. Fortunately we have been taught of the spirit of Elijah, and are wise enough to be aware that the longing that the Lord has put in us, of turning our hearts to the fathers, can (as many blessings) be used by Satan and combined with greed or pride, to turn to the hurt of others, similar to the story cited. As long as we communicate and share, we will come through all the better. The thing that is more important is that we come through making sure we care for the feelings of each other, and forgive if we somehow feel offended. But in the end, on this or any other subject, if I am a cause of offense, rather than feel that you are first required to forgive me, please talk to me first, hopefully you won’t feel you still need to forgive me when we are done. If I have learned anything of love and regret, it is that we become more astutely aware of both as we age, and all of the middle ground seems to fade.

It's Time to Talk!

Who gets Grandma's pie plate? Division of possessions may add more grief after a death

Published: Sunday, March 21, 2010 4:37 p.m. MDT

When the woman died, one of her prized possessions was the family Bible, which had been brought from Ireland. Each of her three children wanted it, but only one could have it.

The bitter fight that ensued ended up with the two daughters not speaking to each other for 25 years. The son did not even know who got the Bible, because he never dared bring up the subject.

Cousins grew up without knowing each other. Family memories were not built and shared. Instead of support and love, there was estrangement and bitterness.Who would have thought that something like a Bible could cause such heartache? It happens all the time, says Marilyn Albertson, Salt Lake County director of the Utah State University Extension Service.

"The two daughters eventually reconciled, but just think of all they missed," she says of this example from her own extended family.

"Almost everyone has personal belongings such as a Bible, wedding photographs, a baseball glove or a special yellow pie plate that contain meaning for them and other members of the family," she says. "What happens to them when you die? Who decides who gets what?"

These are not easy questions to answer, she says, but it's a topic everyone should think about.Albertson has a free program on the subject that she presents to community groups, church groups, senior citizens' gatherings, care facilities and other such places. (To schedule it, you can contact her at 801-468-3170 or e-mail at marilyn.albertson@usu.edu.) Her office also has a videotape and workbook that can be checked out for personal use.

Much of her presentation is based on materials put together by the Minnesota Extension Service, which also has a Web site that offers free materials and worksheets to help people start a dialogue or think about non-titled property distribution. Visit www.yellowpieplate.umn.edu.

At her classes, Albertson hears a lot of people say they don't think they need to worry about these issues for a long time, or that they don't want to think about dying yet.

"But anyone can face them. A woman in our office had her father die in his 50s. So you never know. Almost everyone has parents or grandparents or children to think about. And what happens in case of a second marriage?"

She knows of a case where a mother died and the father remarried. The stepmother moved into the house, and the whole family got along really well. Then the father died, and the stepmother continued to live in the house. "But when she died, all of the things went to her children, including some that had belonged to the original mother."

It is often not the big property items that cause problems, she says, but what is considered non-titled property — the items such as furniture, family photographs, fishing gear, tools, special dishes that don't have a legal document indicating ownership — that cause the most grief.

"These are the items that connect generations," says Albertson. "They are they things we value as a personal heritage. They give us a sense of who we are and how we belong in the family."

But all too often, she says, those involved in the transfer decisions — usually parents and adult children — fail to find out each other's ideas and desires about who wants what, what would be fair and how it should be handled. Inaccurate assumptions are made; misunderstandings and hurt feelings can result. It's not always an easy subject to bring up. "Parents are hesitant to discuss the issue because they don't like to think about being gone," she says. "Some think they don't want the hassle and will let their children do what they want when the parents are gone. Children hesitate to bring it up because they don't want their parents to think that they are just waiting for their parents to die," Albertson says.
But a lot of pain, heartache and discord might be avoided by advance planning.

There is not one right way to distribute non-titled property. Many people say they want to be "fair," but ideas about fairness vary. Is is fair to let the oldest decide first? Is it fair to consider only siblings and not in-laws? Is fair the same as equitable? How much does sentiment count? What role does dollar value play? What about financial, emotional and physical needs of family members? What about contributions, financial and otherwise, over the years? What about differences such as age, birth order and marital status?

Different families will see all these issues differently, Albertson says. There are no hard and fast rules.There are also various methods of distributing property, such as making a will, gifting, labeling items, making a list, even holding a silent auction or garage sale (which often works when parents are downsizing and moving to a smaller home or apartment).

One important thing to know about putting everything in a will is that it can not only be lengthy, Albertson says, but it also becomes a public document. "It's probably better to make a list and attach it to the will. But in most states, to be legally valid, the list must be mentioned in the will."

Which brings up another point: Albertson's workshops are not meant to replace legal advice, which you definitely should get in creating wills and trusts and for distributing titled property.
And even if you have a will or list in place, she says, it's a good idea to review it periodically to make sure it is up to date.The thing to remember is that "possessions are never more important than people, but having plans in place can help maintain good family relations. Plus, if you have to deal with all these issues at the time of the passing, it will probably be done at a time of great emotional stress, when you are not thinking as clearly. The less trauma involved in these issues, the better for everyone."

e-mail: carma@desnews.com© 2010 Deseret News Publishing Company | All rights reserved                                               

RE: Its time to talk. . .‏how do we divvy up the worldly goods.

Date: Mon, 22 Mar 2010

From Myrna: Is it that time?

When you get to be a certain age, you realize that you have 30-year's worth of planning to do and you know that you will not likely live that much longer.

"One man's junk is another man's treasure." That was the Pitts motto at the business. However, I cannot be buried with all my "stuff" because you cannot build me a pyramid. We will just have to come up with a plan to disburse the junk.

I need to take photos of items and write up why they are significant to me (and to LHT). I would rather just tell you about things but, judging from the time I take to do that, it will be wiser to just write it up.

So it is back in my ballpark. DRATS!


Myrna:
Is someone you know gravely ill?
Are you and Leonard ok?
This last article makes me ask these questions?

Love you
al pitts

It is time to talk!

Leonard's oldest sister, Eva, who is 80, just had a stroke. She came through it OK, a little slurring of the speech, but she will likely not live to be 100. Her doctor has told her to prepare for the next one which will probably be fatal. Leonard's brother's wife has Alzheimer's. Garth, my cousin on my mother's side, is fighting bone cancer. Toni, a second cousin, also on my mother's side of the family, is dying with breast cancer. I suppose I am just realizing that I was not born to live, in this state, for eternity. I will need to die and resurrect first. Then our cousin, Diane's (Bob's daughter) husband has cancer and has been fighting it for some time. I just feel mortal. When you feel mortal, it is the best time to talk, right?


10 considerations for decision-making

Published: Sunday, March 21, 2010 4:37 p.m. MDT1. 

Recognize that decisions about personal belongings are often more challenging than decisions about titled property. Assuming such decisions are unimportant or trivial can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts.
2. Recognize that inheritance decisions can have powerful consequences — emotional as well as economic. Decisions about personal property involve dealing with emotional and potential financial value connected to objects accumulated over a lifetime and across generations of family members.
3. When decisions are made prior to death, the decisions can reflect the owner's wishes, and special memories and stories may be shared. Planning ahead offers more choices and a chance for thoughtful communication.
4. Issues of power and control do not disappear in inheritance decisions. Unresolved conflicts among parents, adult children, siblings and others are often at the heart of what goes wrong with inheritance decisions. Listen for feelings and emotions, watch for blaming and determine if you can agree to disagree if conflicts arise.
5. Remember that different perceptions of what's "fair" are normal and should be expected. Those involved need to uncover the unwritten rules and assumptions about fairness that exist among family members.
6. Being fair does not always mean being equal. In fact, dividing personal property equally is sometimes impossible.
7. Individuals who have input and agree on how decisions are made are more likely to feel the outcomes of those decisions are fair.
8. Discussing what those involved want to accomplish helps reduce mistaken assumptions and misunderstood intentions, and makes choosing distribution options easier.
9. Identifying items that have special meaning can help avoid inaccurate assumptions about who should get what. Not everyone will find the same items meaningful.
10. Putting wishes in writing, typically in a separate listing mentioned in a will, reduces the dilemmas and decisions for estate executors and surviving family members.Source: Marlene S. Strum, University of Minnesota Extension Service

Methods of family distribution
When property must be distributed after a death, distribution may take place item by item, or items may be placed in groups of approximately equal monetary value and selected as a group. Here are methods that have been used by families to determine the order of selection:
 Shake dice: Family members shake dice, with the high roller receiving first choice, and so on. After the first round, the selection order is reversed. After two rounds, family members shake again to determine a new order.
Draw numbers, straws or playing cards: Decide if highest or lowest, longest or shortest goes first.
Birth order preference: Selection goes from the oldest to youngest, or vice versa.
Gender preference: Selection begins with males before females, or vice versa. Birth order may also be integrated into this method.

Generation preference: priority is given to parents, siblings, children, grandchildren or blood kin.
Potential list of cherished objects:Furniture, Plates/dishes/glassware/utensils, Handmade items (quilts, stitchery, woodwork), Antiques, Jewelry, Art pieces (pictures, vases, sculpture), Photographs, Written material (poems, diaries, letters), Electronic equipment (TV, CDs, DVDs), Musical instruments, Plants, Collections (coins, plates, guns, stamps), Tools, Documents or records (marriage certificates, awards, military discharge papers), Clothes (wedding dress, army uniform, baby dresses), Holiday decorations, Books (Bibles, history books, religious books, favorite novels), Linens (tablecloths, doilies, pillowcases), Knicknacks© 2010 Deseret News Publishing Company | All rights reserved

Cousins Explained

gg-child

g-uncle/g-aunt

first cousin once removed

second cousin

second cousin once removed

second cousin twice removed


ggg-child

gg-uncle/gg-aunt

first cousin twice removed

second cousin once removed

third cousin

third cousin once removed


gggg-child

ggg-uncle/ggg-aunt

first cousin thrice removed

second cousin twice removed

third cousin once removed

fourth cousin

The parents represent the common ancestors you have with your relative. Count down the row until you reach your generation. Now count down this column until you reach your relative's generation. This gives you your relationship to your relative. If you have only one common ancestor with your relative (perhaps this ancestor had multiple marriages), then the same chart applies but the relationships are half blood instead of full blood. 

In general, the person in the first row is the ***** of the person in the first column where ***** stands for the appropriate table entry, eg. sister, uncle, second cousin, etc. 

Example

Suppose I want to find out my relationship to the son of my grandmother's brother. Then the common ancestors that we share are my great-grandparents which are his grandparents. (I am assuming a full blood relationship). Therefore, reading from the chart we find that 

parents

child

g-child

ME

child

brother/sister

nephew/niece

g-nephew/g-niece

RELATIVE

uncle/aunt

first cousin

FIRST COUSIN ONCE REMOVED

I am the first cousin once removed of this relative! 

It's Time to Talk. . .

From: Toni Jackson

Date: Sun, 21 Mar 2010 19:55:38 -0400
 Re: Pics

Myrna: Oh, I would love a copy of that CD. I will pay for any cost involved. It sounds like you are doing great work in preserving memories and history. I have been working on a similar project. I will make you a copy. If some of the photos are the same, that is fine. I have found out that some photos, even though they started out as identical copies, end up with little flaws here and there because of age. What a great thing that your mom wrote notes about the photos.

My dad had an album of old photos but I am not certain who all the folks are and now that he has gone, I will never know.

Your mom was always a special woman. She and your dad even came to Grandma Smith's funeral. She is buried in Springville and we went to Aunt Pearle's (Smith), Vivian's sister-in-law, so my great-aunt, for dinner and she and your dad gathered with us there. She, of
course, knew all the Smiths from the years of past associations.
Toni: I just tried to email 2 more pics thru my Easyshare and I think by thespeed it went thru' that they were not actually sent once again. I wasjust going to show you what I'm doing with the pics and when I'm finished I will put them all on a CD. My original plan was to mail you a CD and I think that's probably what I'll have to do if the Kodak thing isn't going to work. Usually it fixes itself somehow when I reboot tthe computer but this  time that has not worked apparently. 

I Could put the pics on FB but there would be over 100 of them in this one album I believe. Mom had put all these pics in a 'new' album... one of the cheap ones with sticky pages and a plastic overlay (which will ruin the prints) and they are all falling out. So I took photos of each page so that I would have Mom's notes that are written on the album. Then I  am cropping out each photo & adding text with whatever info I have. I am also keeping copies of each print with no text on them as well so they can be enlarged & printed. So there may be 175-200 pics by the time I'm done with just this one album. Kind of a lot for FB, plus I suspect you may have a lot of these pics yourself already. I'll get them to you one way or the other, may add a couple to FB today &  just keep working on the rest.

More later, have a good weekend! Love, Toni 

OK, good. Maybe between the two of us we can fill in some blanks. I'm also trying to learn how to sell on eBay ( I KNOW how to buy, LOL), plus get ready for a yard sale, go through many boxes of photos, finish household projects, etc. so not sure when I will finish the CD but will let you know.

Myrna: I hope you live for many, many years to come. Take a few minutes to breathe somewhere in that schedule of yours. Selling on eBay, hmm. What are you selling? Maybe I want to be your customer. Just a quick funny story--I ordered a second-hand book on eBay not realizing that I was buying from a Pitts cousin in Carbon County. I didn't know the seller name she used. She, however, knew who I was from the start so, along with the book, I got a letter from her. LOL

>

Toni--Pacific Daylight Time

Sent: 3/3/2010 12:31:57 P.M. Pacific Daylight Time

Hi Myrna,

 I came across an old Xmas letter from you that says (your grand daughter?) Siovhan was working as a TV news producer in Eugene. We watch Eugene news as that's where the TV stations are, an hour away. Is she still there? What station? And HOW to do pronounce that name??? Just curious.....

Hugs, Toni


 Date: Wed, 17 Mar 2010 15:49:21 -0400

 This is the one I sent a few weeks ago.


 Myrna writes:

Add a little to this, please, Melanie and respond to both of us.

Melanie writes: "Sha (short a) von" is the way the way the name is said. Yes, she is still there and is still working.

Melanie, which station is it?

In a message Melanie writes:

Siovhan works as the noon, five and six o' clock news producer for KEZI. She puts the news on their web page as well. She gets to tell the anchors and the reporters what news to read, she tells the reporters what stories to cover and then works with the tape editor to make sure that the content fits in the time slots. She loves doing this kind of work, but gets tired of all the bad news and the sensationalism that follows bad news. She has been in Eugene for almost two years and says it is starting to feel like home for her. She loves to go to the coast. She has been to the Sea Lion caves and that area several times, although she now works on Saturdays, it makes it a bit harder to do sight seeing.

Melanie Bolton


Toni writes:

Hi Melanie and Myrna,

 I was going to explain what relation I am, but I'm not sure I know. LOL I guess Myrna and I are 2nd cousins (?). (Note from Myrna: Toni is my second cousin. Her mother, Betty, and my mother, Elaine and her sister Renee were cousins. Jessie, her grandmother, and Vivian, my grandmother, were sisters. Because of our grandmothers, we had some fun times as kids.) Anyway, I just thought I'd share a 'small world' note with you. My brother Don P. Fexer, who lives in Eugene, is married to Kimberly (Days) Fexer & her Mom, Marilyn Days was the receptionist at KEZI for MANY years! I guess she died before Siovhan started there (she was only our age Myrna) but I bet she works with a bunch of people who knew & loved Marilyn. She was a VERY likeable and popular, but outrageous, platinum blond who knew everyone & had a million friends, although maybe was not the type of gal you'd be drawn to..... I don't think she ever quit smoking, she was loud & somewhat 'rough around the edges' if you get my drift, but was a lot of fun. Her daughter Kim (my sister-in-law) is nothing like that... quite reserved and lovely.

One of MY friends, Betsy Yraguen, lives here in Roseburg but works for KEZI selling advertising here in town. Our local affiliate (also in Eugene) is KVAL & so we watch that more often.

Anyway, too bad she didn't overlap with my folks in Eugene (they died in 2003) cause I'm sure Mom would have been thrilled to meet her!

 I can relate to her just now feeling like Eugene is home. I only lived there 3 years and was JUST starting to make some good friends when I met Craig & decided I better move to Roseburg and keep him for myself before some OTHER gal snapped him up! I'm sure it was the right decision, but I miss the "city"..... (hey, Eugene is still very small compared to L.A. where I lived most of my life, but Roseburg is even SMALLER).

My step-son (Craig's son Niles who just turned 21) has a girlfriend from Eugene who is Mormon, Jennifer (oops, can't think of her last name right now), & they are both at college in Phoenix AZ now. Her parents also have a chocolate shop I think... maybe she'd know them... probably not, I suppose. I don't remember how many Wards are in Eugene...... more than one though.

OK, enough rambling. If Siovhan is interested in river rafting on the North Umpqua (in our back yard) or going to Wildlife Safari (the place with the animals in my FB photo album) it's about 10 miles south of here (Eugene is 65 mi. north of here). Or visiting the Hair Wreath while it's still here (I'm going to just keep it until my sister comes to visit next time) you are welcome to give her my email address and/or phone number 541-672-4313 and I am going to forward her info to my brother. He & Kim have a GORGEOUS home in the south hills of Eugene and they are good Christians, but not Mormon. Their only child, daughter Hayley is in fashion design school in Portland. I have 2 guest rooms too.... for any of you.

OK, this time, I'll shut up, thanks for the info. Catch ya later, hugs, Toni (Fexer, Cole) Jackson.


Melanie writes:

My youngest daughter and I went out to see Siovhan last year. I know where Roseburg is. Mikaela, my youngest, and I went to see the Wildlife Safari, after hearing how fun it was from my husband and Siovhan. (We were actually chased in our rental car by a buffalo...fun, I know.) Anyway, my mom has included Siovhan in the email, so she will be able to respond to you herself about the other questions. I don't know too many people from her station, I know stories and I hear names, that's about it. I do watch her news on the internet, so that I can stay informed of what life is like for the Eugene-ites.

Thanks.
Melanie

Myrna writes:

David (Childs), you would be 2nd cousins with Toni as well. You live in that area of the world and so maybe you would have access, or maybe not, to the channel Siovhan works for.

Toni writes:

Who is David?  I should probably know... but don't... & where does he live? I wish I had time sometime to make a family tree, with photos!  I remember making one when I was in Primary or something but it only included back to my grandparents.  It would make a cool reference guide to the family & who's who because I really don't have it clear in my brain... I know it's all written down somewhere but I don't take time to find it & read all the handwritten entries.  It has been informative just 'listening' to you... thanks! T.