It's Time to Talk!

Who gets Grandma's pie plate? Division of possessions may add more grief after a death

Published: Sunday, March 21, 2010 4:37 p.m. MDT

When the woman died, one of her prized possessions was the family Bible, which had been brought from Ireland. Each of her three children wanted it, but only one could have it.

The bitter fight that ensued ended up with the two daughters not speaking to each other for 25 years. The son did not even know who got the Bible, because he never dared bring up the subject.

Cousins grew up without knowing each other. Family memories were not built and shared. Instead of support and love, there was estrangement and bitterness.Who would have thought that something like a Bible could cause such heartache? It happens all the time, says Marilyn Albertson, Salt Lake County director of the Utah State University Extension Service.

"The two daughters eventually reconciled, but just think of all they missed," she says of this example from her own extended family.

"Almost everyone has personal belongings such as a Bible, wedding photographs, a baseball glove or a special yellow pie plate that contain meaning for them and other members of the family," she says. "What happens to them when you die? Who decides who gets what?"

These are not easy questions to answer, she says, but it's a topic everyone should think about.Albertson has a free program on the subject that she presents to community groups, church groups, senior citizens' gatherings, care facilities and other such places. (To schedule it, you can contact her at 801-468-3170 or e-mail at marilyn.albertson@usu.edu.) Her office also has a videotape and workbook that can be checked out for personal use.

Much of her presentation is based on materials put together by the Minnesota Extension Service, which also has a Web site that offers free materials and worksheets to help people start a dialogue or think about non-titled property distribution. Visit www.yellowpieplate.umn.edu.

At her classes, Albertson hears a lot of people say they don't think they need to worry about these issues for a long time, or that they don't want to think about dying yet.

"But anyone can face them. A woman in our office had her father die in his 50s. So you never know. Almost everyone has parents or grandparents or children to think about. And what happens in case of a second marriage?"

She knows of a case where a mother died and the father remarried. The stepmother moved into the house, and the whole family got along really well. Then the father died, and the stepmother continued to live in the house. "But when she died, all of the things went to her children, including some that had belonged to the original mother."

It is often not the big property items that cause problems, she says, but what is considered non-titled property — the items such as furniture, family photographs, fishing gear, tools, special dishes that don't have a legal document indicating ownership — that cause the most grief.

"These are the items that connect generations," says Albertson. "They are they things we value as a personal heritage. They give us a sense of who we are and how we belong in the family."

But all too often, she says, those involved in the transfer decisions — usually parents and adult children — fail to find out each other's ideas and desires about who wants what, what would be fair and how it should be handled. Inaccurate assumptions are made; misunderstandings and hurt feelings can result. It's not always an easy subject to bring up. "Parents are hesitant to discuss the issue because they don't like to think about being gone," she says. "Some think they don't want the hassle and will let their children do what they want when the parents are gone. Children hesitate to bring it up because they don't want their parents to think that they are just waiting for their parents to die," Albertson says.
But a lot of pain, heartache and discord might be avoided by advance planning.

There is not one right way to distribute non-titled property. Many people say they want to be "fair," but ideas about fairness vary. Is is fair to let the oldest decide first? Is it fair to consider only siblings and not in-laws? Is fair the same as equitable? How much does sentiment count? What role does dollar value play? What about financial, emotional and physical needs of family members? What about contributions, financial and otherwise, over the years? What about differences such as age, birth order and marital status?

Different families will see all these issues differently, Albertson says. There are no hard and fast rules.There are also various methods of distributing property, such as making a will, gifting, labeling items, making a list, even holding a silent auction or garage sale (which often works when parents are downsizing and moving to a smaller home or apartment).

One important thing to know about putting everything in a will is that it can not only be lengthy, Albertson says, but it also becomes a public document. "It's probably better to make a list and attach it to the will. But in most states, to be legally valid, the list must be mentioned in the will."

Which brings up another point: Albertson's workshops are not meant to replace legal advice, which you definitely should get in creating wills and trusts and for distributing titled property.
And even if you have a will or list in place, she says, it's a good idea to review it periodically to make sure it is up to date.The thing to remember is that "possessions are never more important than people, but having plans in place can help maintain good family relations. Plus, if you have to deal with all these issues at the time of the passing, it will probably be done at a time of great emotional stress, when you are not thinking as clearly. The less trauma involved in these issues, the better for everyone."

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