Cookies?

Hello, everyone! My sister, Diane, wrote this recipe for me, it sounds like another day in my life that I wouldn't trade for anything!

Hope you get as big of a kick out of it as I did! And Merry Christmas!
Love, Kim

*!@*&^%!!+%$ (or cookies for the homeroom teacher)*
by Diane

1. Preheat oven to 350. Check to be sure there are no rubber balls or plastic rubber-tired back hoes lurking on the shelves. 

2. Remove Cassie's homework and Kayla's drawings and Robbie's tractors from table. Grease pan. Get Robbie down from the counter. Wipe up the spilled pop from when Kayla tripped over Robbie's John Deere. Crack nuts. 

3. Measure 2 cups flour. Remove Robbie's hands from the flour. Wash flour off him. Re-measure flour. 

4. Crack more nuts to replace those that Kayla ate. Put flour, baking powder, and salt in sifter. Get dust pan and brush up pieces of bowl that Cassie knocked on the floor. Get another bowl. 

5. Answer the doorbell. Return to kitchen. Remove Robbie's hands from the bowl again. Wash Robbie. The phone is ringing. It is Beth. Answer the phone. Talk for 38 minutes. Return to kitchen. 

6. Remove 1/2-inch salt from the greased pan. Look for Robbie. Grease another pan. The phone is ringing. It is Jennie. Answer phone. Talk for 23 minutes. Return to kitchen and find Robbie. 

7. Take up greased pan and remove layer of nut shells in it. Head for Robbie who dodges your reach, once again knocking the bowl off the table. 

8. Wash the kitchen floor, table, walls, and dishes. Cassie says she needs to leave for some kinda practice at the Junior High. She has nothing to wear. Wipe wet hands on paper towel. Step on misplaced nut shell and cut toe open. Wipe blood from toe. The phone is ringing. It is Dad. Answer phone. Explain why you don't have the cookies done for the Christmas play for Kayla's school. Water is coming from the bathroom. Robbie has flushed a 6" plastic boat down the toilet. Kayla is frantic. Cassie wants new pants. 

9. Timer has been set. Kayla said it sounds cool when it goes off. Nothing is inside the oven but wasted energy but the oven is an exact 350 degrees and is waiting, waiting, waiting for something to bake. 

10. Phone is ringing. It is Cassie's teacher. He wants her at the school in 7 minutes. 

11. Take Robbie from the table. Remove 4 hot wheels cars from the "road" in the bowl. Cassie still doesn't have anything to wear. Hand mop to Kayla. Show her how to remove toilet water from hallway and kitchen before it gets to the front room carpet. 

12. Phone is ringing. It is Kayla's teacher. She wants the cookies you promised to have at the school in 12 minutes. 

13. Undress Robbie. He is wet from head to toe after water skiing in the hallway.
14. Dress Robbie. 

15. Cookies? What cookies?

Myrna: She forgot the last few steps. 
16. Stop to get cookies at the bakery where you should have started in the first place. 
17. Be late and have teacher yell at you. 
18. Cassie and Kayla are in tears and Robbie is covered in sugar. 
19. Smile bravely. Tell everybody you can't share the cookie recipe because it is a "family secret." 
20. Go home and cry.

Love, M